On Wednesday I had my 20-week diagnostic ultrasound, the most medicalized procedure I have allowed during my pregnancy. First of all, the big news is that we are having a boy! He was not at all shy in sharing that tidbit of information with us; it was so obvious on the ultrasound screen that even I could tell immediately. He is healthy, active, and already measuring large for his age.
It was fantastic and surreal, even a spiritual experience, being able to see his face for the first time. The first glimpse I had of him he was reaching his fist up to his face and rubbing his eyes, as if I had just woken him up. For much of the ultrasound he had that little fist poised beneath his chin, in an absolutely adorable rendition of Rodin’s sculpture ‘The Thinker.’ Perhaps Nick is right, that I am reading too much into it, but I think that he will be contemplative like his parents. When I was lying on the examining table I actually got misty – and I am not a person who ever cries at happy occasions – watching him move inside of me, I was so overwhelmed with emotion.
Now I have a series of pictures that I can look at – and I have been studying them for the past five days – an early view of my son’s face, and a few measurements that I can hang on to. As of Wednesday he weighed 13 oz and his feet were 3.4 cm long, so I can imagine exactly how they would fit in the palm of my hand. I can call my little boy by name now when I talk to him.
When I first got the positive pregnancy test, I carried it around with me for the entire day, afraid that somehow the second line would disappear and I would not actually be carrying this baby that I already loved immensely. I thought the feelings of becoming a mother were overwhelming then. And when I saw my belly beginning to expand, I hung on to every extra inch as tangible evidence of my child, and was overwhelmed by the sense of love and protectiveness that I experienced. And when I first felt that baby move, when I first could feel him and feel that he was somehow communicating with me, I fell even more in love. And now I am again amazed by the depth of feeling I have for this tiny baby – I cannot even begin to imagine what the experience of giving birth, of holding him, of mothering him outside my womb, will bring.